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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the living daylights out of all of you!'”

St Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Couple of minutes ago.”

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  • Armybrat
    Armybrat

    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “On a trip to the Black

  • Disco Strangler
    Disco Strangler

    Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild? Since he was a Chief in modern society, he had never been taught the old secre

  • ernest_t_bass
    ernest_t_bass

    What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Bob Stoops can't take a joke.

Posted Images

On 5/13/2023 at 7:20 PM, WhatTheBuck said:

What’s worse than finding a worm in an apple?

  Hide contents

The Holocaust.

 

Too soon.

  • 2 weeks later...

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she's got a glassy, jarred look on her face and she's not answering

ohshitohshitohshitohshit

i rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital

she's still bleeding everywhere

by the time we get there, she's not bleeding much anymore, but all the color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent

oh shit, she looks like she's in a vegetative state

storm into to the emergency room, cary her to the nearest doctor and explain eveything

he takes one look at ther and says

"sir, i'm sorry, there's nothing we can do"

"WHY THE FUCK NOT???"

"we don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce"

12 hours ago, Bullneck said:

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she's got a glassy, jarred look on her face and she's not answering

ohshitohshitohshitohshit

i rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital

she's still bleeding everywhere

by the time we get there, she's not bleeding much anymore, but all the color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent

oh shit, she looks like she's in a vegetative state

storm into to the emergency room, cary her to the nearest doctor and explain eveything

he takes one look at ther and says

"sir, i'm sorry, there's nothing we can do"

"WHY THE FUCK NOT???"

"we don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce"

That's not lame.  That's just stupid.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands

 

..... I'll show myself out... 

Edited by Longboard Horn

Did you know that in Hawaii it's actually illegal to laugh loudly?

You have to keep it to a low ha. 

From my 9yo:

What has four letters and sometimes has nine.

8 hours ago, Modessit said:

From my 9yo:

What has four letters and sometimes has nine.

That’s is lame. It doesn’t even include a punch line. 

An old man went to the pharmacist and said, "Look, I'm having a little trouble performing with my wife. Do they make any pills that can help with that?"

The pharmacist replied, "Sure, that's more common than you may think. In fact I take Viagra myself for the same sort of thing."

The old man asked. "Can you get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, probably if I took 2 or 3 of them at once."

You’re riding a horse at full speed. You’re also being chased by a lion and there’s a giraffe in the way in front of you. How do you escape?

 

 


Get off the merry-go-round.

gf is prego

we like to get kinky anyways

one night things get particularly saucy

i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights

wtf it's red everywhere and she's obviously not on her period

i look up at her, she's got a glassy, jarred look on her face and she's not answering

ohshitohshitohshitohshit

i rush her into my car and speed all the way to the hospital

she's still bleeding everywhere

by the time we get there, she's not bleeding much anymore, but all the color has drained and she looks colorless and almost transparent

oh shit, she looks like she's in a vegetative state

storm into to the emergency room, cary her to the nearest doctor and explain eveything

he takes one look at ther and says

"sir, i'm sorry, there's nothing we can do"

"WHY THE FUCK NOT???"

"we don't operate on empty jars of spaghetti sauce"


That’s fucking weird but I kinda like it. The first line is key.

What do you call a batman that doesn't attend church.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christian  Bale

A guy talks to the Doc in the hospital where his wife is in a coma.
 
"Doc ! Doc, what am I going to do?"
 
"Well, said the Doc, there is a radical treatment that I have heard good things about"
 
"What is it Doc I'm desperate?"
 
"Well you need to go in there and have oral sex with your wife until she wakes up"
 
"Really Doc?"
 
"Yes, I have heard good things!"
 
So, the guy says, "Ok Doc if you say so i'll give it a try" and in he goes.
 
Ten minutes he comes out in a panic and says "Doc ! Doc, I think she is choking"
  • 3 weeks later...

dude 1:  just made $300.25 giving blowjobs in the men's room

dude 2:  who gave you 25 cents?

dude 1:  all of them

SIAP What's the difference between a Chickpea and Garbanzo Bean?

 

Spoiler

I've never had Garbanzo Bean on my face.

 

Another from my 9-yr-old:

Q: What happened after the astronaut farted on the moon?

A: He Apollo-gized.

  • 2 weeks later...

Was just shooting the shit with this old guy who works at the admirals club at DFW.

He says “you fix 100 cars they call you a mechanic. You build 100 houses they call you a home builder.” Then he waited a beat and said “but you suck just one cock. . .”

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in nuts and chocolate…

 

They think it must be Pharaoh Rocher!

  • 1 month later...
On 7/23/2023 at 8:39 PM, Lone Star Horn said:

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a mummy covered in nuts and chocolate…

 

They think it must be Pharaoh Rocher!

That’s lame alright.

IMG_8979.thumb.jpeg.09fc2d03069e231b5f225377b0cd5e70.jpeg

 

  • 2 weeks later...
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl. I'm a 6-foot-tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' 

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

 

8 hours ago, BearSchlong said:


My wife can't stop laughing at that.

Mine too! 

(I think. I'll tell you for sure on Monday) 

On 11/19/2023 at 1:52 AM, NWBuck said:

Mine too! 

(I think. I'll tell you for sure on Monday) 

Update: Nope.

A cop pulled over a car with two catholic priests inside. The cop tells the driver “I’m looking for two pedophiles.” The driver turns to the other priest and they whisper back and forth. He turns back to the cop and says “Ok. We’ll do it.”

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

What happens to bad rainbows?

 

 

they go to prism. 
 

 

but it’s a light sentence. 

I heard this from Albert Brooks:

 

Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon and then say "I guess you had to be there."

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