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From Homesickhorn Sr:

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action"

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am"

"Well, there you are No wonder you're so serious. You really need
to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and

said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not;
it's only 2130 now."

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    What's the difference between 2 dicks and a joke? Bob Stoops can't take a joke.

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6 hours ago, Homesickhorn said:

From Homesickhorn Sr:

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.

Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,

"It looks like you have seen a lot of action"

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am"

"Well, there you are No wonder you're so serious. You really need
to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led
him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and

said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not;
it's only 2130 now."

Best in Sam Elliott voice from "We Were Soldiers".

Seems like it could work better as a joke if the "1955" could be saved to the last to set up the punch line. I knew as soon as I saw it where the joke was going. Still a a good one, just needs tweaking in my mind.

31 minutes ago, El Diablo said:

Seems like it could work better as a joke if the "1955" could be saved to the last to set up the punch line. I knew as soon as I saw it where the joke was going. Still a a good one, just needs tweaking in my mind.

maybe that's what makes the joke lame.

1 hour ago, AM Wood said:

maybe that's what makes the joke lame.

Touche.

Thinking on it further I believe as a joke it would work better without the Sarge boning the chick. Just have him say "1955", have her reply "Oh my God, how have you managed so long without sex?" and then have him deliver the punchline.

maybe that's what makes the joke lame.

This^^^ coupled with the fact that I don’t tweak jokes sent to me by a retired Army SF Colonel, who also happens to be my dad. I let his shit ride for the most part.
What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo?
 
 
I wouldn't pay a hundred bucks to have a garbanzo on my face.


Reminds me of:

What’s the difference between jelly and jam?

I can’t jelly my cock down your throat.

What's the difference between three cocks and a joke?

Spoiler

Your mom can't take a joke.

 

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman?

One is a superhero and one is a command.

6 hours ago, Paco said:

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman?

One is a superhero and one is a command.

Iron Man is a Fe male.

I always wondered why the Star Wars movies came out as episodes 4, 5, 6 and then 1, 2, 3 and finally 7, 8, 9. Turns out, in charge of scheduling Yoda was.

My 5-yo-son told me this the other day:

Son: Do you know why snakes don't wear underwear?

Me: Why?

Son: Because they don't have butts.

8yo - Do you know who the smartest player in the NFL is?

me  - no, who?

8yo - Tom Brainy

- rimshot -

Why is every Chief Gender Equality Officer female?


They’re cheaper.

  • 2 weeks later...

I just spent over $350 to rent a limousine, only to find out that the fee does not include a driver for the car.

I can't believe I just spent all that money, and have nothing to chauffeur it.

I've never been very good at Geography.....

 

 

But at least I can name one city in France.... that's Nice

"A guy named Joe Smith, from Muleshoe, Texas, claimed to know everybody, and a big Texas oilman challenged him when Joe says he knows the governor of Texas. The bet is on, and the oilman flies with Joe to Austin and the governor’s office. Joe tells the secretary he would like to have a word with the governor, and in a moment the governor rushes out and embraces Joe and pats him effusively on the back, and they jaw a little and Joe proves his point.

The oilman says, 'Well, I bet you don’t know the President of the United States' and Joe claims he does, so another bet is made. They fly to Washington, and when the word is passed to the President, he comes out and Joe greets him by his first name, and the President responds, indeed, as if Joe is an old personal friend.

The oilman is frustrated and says he is sure Joe does not know the Pope, but, of course, Joe says he does indeed know the Pope, calling him by his first name. So off they fly, in the oilman’s plane, to Rome and the Vatican. When they arrive, there is a huge crowd in the square before the Pope’s palace. Joe instructs the oilman to wait there while he goes to see his old pal. Pretty soon, the Pope comes out on the balcony, waving to the crowd, and there beside him is Joe, with his arm around the Pope. Suspicious, the oilman stops a street sweeper in the crowd and asks him if the man dressed in white is really the Pope.

"'I don’t know,' comes the reply, 'but the guy with him is Joe Smith from Muleshoe, Texas.'

I heard it with the punchline -

The oilman was about to say something when a street sweeper said, "Who's that guy up there with Joe?"

I heard it but there were 3 drunk guys fucking a dead alligator on a bus.

4 hours ago, AM Wood said:

I heard it but there were 3 drunk guys fucking a dead alligator on a bus.

That's a damn lie. I was not drunk.

12 hours ago, AM Wood said:

I heard it but there were 3 drunk guys fucking a dead alligator on a bus.

I've heard it as 3 sober aggies and a goat.

Kid sees his dad browsing the internet and asks what he’s doing.

Dad: I’m on eBay bidding for some baseball cards for your brother’s collection.

Kid:  Do you mean the collection you gave him from your childhood? 

Dad: Yeah, that’s the one.

Kid: Dad, you never gave me anything that you had as a kid.

Dad: Well you’re allergic to shellfish right?

Kid: Yes....

Dad: You’re welcome! 

22 hours ago, AM Wood said:

I heard it but there were 3 drunk guys fucking a dead alligator on a bus.

Was that before or after they wrestled the Indian lady?

On 4/16/2019 at 1:56 AM, maninblack said:

Why are black guys so tall?

Because their knee grows

 

  • 2 weeks later...
On 4/17/2019 at 5:22 PM, ernest_t_bass said:

Last time I heard that joke, I fell off my dinosaur. 

First I ever heard it. 

A man walks into his house to find his wife rubbing some cream all over her tits. 

Man: What in the world are you doing rubbing that cream on your tits?

Wife:  The doctor gave me this cream and said if I rub it on my tits, they will get bigger.

Man: Well, why don't you rub them with toilet paper?

Wife:  Why should I use toilet paper?

Man: Well, you've been rubbing it on your ass all these years and look how big it's gotten. 

  • 3 weeks later...

A snail goes in to a car dealership.

Salesman asks, “What can I do for you, sir?”

Snail replies, “I want your fastest sports car with a custom paint job.”

“Well, I’m sure we can make that happen for you. What kind of paint job are you looking for?”

“I want fire engine red, with iridescent S’s painted all around. One on each door, the roof, the rear bumper, and a great big S on the hood.”

“I like your style”, says the salesman. So, he has the showroom floor car taken to the paint shop for the unique paint job.

When the car is finished, the snail slides behind the wheel, hammers down on the gas pedal, and tears off in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Paint shop guy asks, “what the hell was that all about?”

Salesman replies, “Dunno... but look at that S car go!”

6 hours ago, Spartan52 said:

A snail goes in to a car dealership.

Salesman asks, “What can I do for you, sir?”

Snail replies, “I want your fastest sports car with a custom paint job.”

“Well, I’m sure we can make that happen for you. What kind of paint job are you looking for?”

“I want fire engine red, with iridescent S’s painted all around. One on each door, the roof, the rear bumper, and a great big S on the hood.”

“I like your style”, says the salesman. So, he has the showroom floor car taken to the paint shop for the unique paint job.

When the car is finished, the snail slides behind the wheel, hammers down on the gas pedal, and tears off in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Paint shop guy asks, “what the hell was that all about?”

Salesman replies, “Dunno... but look at that S car go!”

hqdefault.jpg

1 hour ago, deadshank said:

Why are fifty cent pieces so uncommon?

aggy done married 'em all

50 cent burt GIF by Cheezburger

Vic was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

 

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, ladies are you 3 Beauties from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , you bloody idiot, Wales!"

 

So Vic apologised and said, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"

 

........and that's when the trouble started....

  • 3 weeks later...

A husband a wife are headed to a party. The husband is waiting down stairs by the door for her ready to leave.

Finally, she comes down the stairs buck naked except with this wedge of lemon in her privates. He says “what the hell are you doing”. She responds, “it’s a costume party, and I going as a sour puss”.

He runs back up stairs and returns moments later buck naked with a potato on his Johnson. She says “what the hell is that?”

He responds, “if your going as a sour puss, I’m going as a Dictator”

On 5/22/2019 at 8:34 PM, Spartan52 said:

Vic was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.

 

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so he approached and asked, "Hello, ladies are you 3 Beauties from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales , you bloody idiot, Wales!"

 

So Vic apologised and said, "I am so sorry.  Are you three whales from Scotland?"

 

........and that's when the trouble started....

Dying! pos rep when I can give it again

Vic was getting ready to climb onto one of his cholas.

He asked, "is it ok to turn off the lights?"

She asked, "why, are you shy?"

Vic says "no, i just don't want to burn my ass"

 

Edited by Lone Star Horn

On May 17, 2019 at 12:39 AM, Spartan52 said:

A snail goes in to a car dealership.

Salesman asks, “What can I do for you, sir?”

Snail replies, “I want your fastest sports car with a custom paint job.”

“Well, I’m sure we can make that happen for you. What kind of paint job are you looking for?”

“I want fire engine red, with iridescent S’s painted all around. One on each door, the roof, the rear bumper, and a great big S on the hood.”

“I like your style”, says the salesman. So, he has the showroom floor car taken to the paint shop for the unique paint job.

When the car is finished, the snail slides behind the wheel, hammers down on the gas pedal, and tears off in a cloud of burnt rubber.

Paint shop guy asks, “what the hell was that all about?”

Salesman replies, “Dunno... but look at that S car go!”

A guy hears a tiny knock on the door. He opens the door and looks around but doesn't see anyone. He looks down to see a snail. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. 

A couple years later the same guy hears a tiny knock on the door. He opens the door and looks around but doesn't see anyone. He looks down to see a snail.

The snail says, "What the fuck was that about?"

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"


"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Why seniors never change their password

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.

USER:
Cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER:
Boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces

USER:
50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER:
50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER:
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveM eAccessNow!

WINDOWS:
Sorry,the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DanmBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use

^ what are the chances that someone else would have misspelt Damn in their password

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