August 15, 20205 yr On 4/15/2018 at 7:12 PM, BurntOrangeCrush said: Aggy is at a bar hitting on women. He starts making his moves on one and she tells him "I'm a lesbian". He replies, "Oh I didn't know that. So how are things in Beirut?" Not fucking very good right now, amirite?
August 15, 20205 yr Old Irish feller retires and move to a small village in the country. He finds a local and starts hanging out there, drinking away his days. He always orders three pints of Guinness at a time, and when he drinks them, he alternates drinks from each glass, so they all are done at about the same time. After the 2nd or 3rd time he does this, the barkeep says, 'Aye laddie, I can pour those for you one at a time, so you are getting a fresh one each time." The old feller says, "Nae, I have two lovely brothers, who I never see, so whenever we drink, we always drink three pints at a time, so that we are always drinking together. One pint is for me, one is for my older brother in navy, and one is for my wee brother who works on a drilling rig in the North Sea." This goes on for a few months, until one day the old feller comes in and only orders two pints. He drinks them the same way, sitting alone. The regulars at the bar wonder which brother of his has died, the sailor or the driller. They get together a fund and buy flowers for the local. The next time the old feller comes in, he sees the flowers and asks the barkeep, "Is there a village festival I'm not ken to? Why all the lovely flowers?" The barkeep says "Nae, laddie, they're for your lovely brother that's passed. Which one was it, the sailor or your wee brother on the rig?" The old feller says "Nae, both me brothers are right as rain, why do ye ask?" Barkeep says "Well, you started ordering only two pints, instead of your usual three." The old feller says, "Well, I've been getting gout, so I've stopped drinking."
August 24, 20205 yr It's extra lame when lame jokes are presented in Internet meme form. The jokes would be just as lame if they were presented in text only, but here we have the added overhead of photos that don't add anything to the jokes. That's, like, meta lame. Well done.
August 24, 20205 yr A guy walks into a bar and orders a corona and 2 hurricanes. The bartender says, "that'll be $20.20"
August 31, 20205 yr 11 hours ago, ROFL BOX said: Was that needed? I thought it was lame, so yes I guess so.
September 19, 20205 yr An Indian Chief's was sitting with his son when the boy started asking questions about his family. The boy asked, "Why is my brother names Soaring Eagle?" The Chief replied, "When your brother was born I took him outside and the first thing I saw was a majestic eagle flying high in the air." The boy then asked, "Why is my sister named Running Rabbit?" The father says, "When your sister was born I took her outside and the first thing I saw was a rabbit leaping through the grass. Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?
September 20, 20205 yr Because of droughts all over the world scientists have predicted a shortage of olive oil. Now the world will know how Popeye felt after the death of his wife...
November 18, 20205 yr guy walks into a museum, and is looking at a fossil. He asks a nearby security guard how old the fossil is. The security guard says "that bone is 2 million and 9 years old." The guy is amazed and asks "how do they know the age of that bone so precisely?" Security guard says "I don't know. All I know is that when I started working here 9 years ago, they told me it was 2 million years old."
November 18, 20205 yr This was on SNL about three weeks ago. Great joke. Hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he worked it out with a pencil.
November 26, 20205 yr For those of you looking for some timely humor during thanksgiving.I was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but i couldn't find one big enough for my family. So I turned to the stock boy and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" "No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."I was telling these at the dinner table and my family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn't just quit "cold turkey."
November 30, 20205 yr I used to think correlation implied causation. Then I took a stats class, and now I don't. >Sounds like the stats class helped. Well, maybe.
December 1, 20205 yr Texting for Seniors as follows:ATD - At the Doctor'sBFF - Best Friend's FuneralBTW - Bring the WheelchairBYOT - Bring your own teethCBM - Covered by MedicareCUATSC - See You at the Senior CenterDWI - Driving While IncontinentFWBB - Friend with Beta BlockersFWIW - Forgot Where I WasFYI - Found Your InsulinGGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery LowGHA - Got Heartburn AgainIMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?LMDO - Laughing My Dentures OutLOL - Living on LipatorOMMR - On My Massage ReclinerROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!TOT - Texting on ToiletTTYL - Talk to You LouderWTP - Where are the PrunesWWNO - Walker Wheels Need OilHope these help!GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
December 3, 20205 yr A young couple have their first kid, a little boy. He is healthy and active but as time goes on, they begin to worry— he never says his first word. They see dozens of specialists, none of them can find anything wrong. Eventually they just come to accept that the child can’t speak. The boy turns ten years old, still hasn’t said a word. One evening at dinner, he slams his spoon down and shouts, “dammit woman, this soup’s cold.” His parents nearly fall out of their chairs, tears in their eyes. Finally his mom chokes out, “son, you can speak!” ”Of course I can.” ”Well, why is this the first time you’ve said anything?” ”Up till now you’ve done a pretty damn good job.” Edited December 3, 20205 yr by 956 Worldwide
December 7, 20205 yr Funeral for a Homeless Man As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no familyor friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently I’m still lost… it’s a man thing. (author unknown)
December 12, 20205 yr Tom HermanI’ve heard that one before. Just the way I heard it was “Charlie Strong”
December 12, 20205 yr 4 hours ago, GottaB said: I’ve heard that one before. Just the way I heard it was “Charlie Strong” What you heard was the dark humor version.
December 12, 20205 yr What do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt What do you call him in the bushes? Russell What if he’s hanging on the wall? Art In the ocean? Bob What if he has a shovel stuck in his head? Doug And when he pulls it out of his head? Douglas
December 12, 20205 yr What do you call him in Church?Neal.What do you call the female with no arms or legs?Eileen.
December 12, 20205 yr 3 hours ago, BearSchlong said: What do you call the female with no arms or legs? Eileen. No, it's: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other? Eileen An Asian woman with one leg longer than the other? Irene
December 13, 20205 yr @ernest_t_bass thanks.When I was a kid at Camp Olympia my cabin mate brought totally tasteless jokes versions 1-5.I never understood the polack jokes, though. Must be a regional/generational thing.
December 13, 20205 yr What do you call a with no arms and no legs that sells cochise? - RichWhat do you call him naked? - DickWhat do you call his naked wife? - MuffyWhat do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? - Fucked.
December 13, 20205 yr THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED BY A FARMER Young JAMES bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'JAMES replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'James said, 'OK,then just bring me the dead donkey.'The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'James said, 'I’m going to raffle him off.'The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'James said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he's dead.'A month later, the farmer met up with James and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'James said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit oh $898.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'James said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.'James now works as a member of Congress.
December 15, 20205 yr Did you hear about Helen Keller's dog? Neither did she Did you hear the joke about Helen Keller? Neither did she. Did you see that last one coming? Neither did she.
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