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On 5/23/2018 at 8:00 AM, Underdog said:

It’s “no homo” if there isn’t any eye contact. 

Just make sure them balls don't touch

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  • Cheeseweasel
    Cheeseweasel

  • I don't own a squatty potty, but I like having my feet raised.  So I always turn my trashcan on it's side when I shit.  Or in hotels I'll use random furniture.  Once I jammed an ottoman in the john so

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    Jack Straw

    i Febreze my dog when i'm too lazy to give her a bath

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40 minutes ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Around the same age I had a wet dream and jizzed all over my dog, who was sleeping with in bed with me, and my stepmother saw the creampied spaniel and laughed at me. 

New leader in the clubhouse.

40 minutes ago, Fudge Nuggets said:

New leader in the clubhouse.

This all happened because I was too much of a little Puritan to just rub one out like a normal kid. 

4 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Around the same age I had a wet dream and jizzed all over my dog, who was sleeping with in bed with me, and my stepmother saw the creampied spaniel and laughed at me. 

Interesting that you chose the word "creampied" instead of "bukkaked." 

4 hours ago, MaybeACoordinator said:

Around the same age I had a wet dream and jizzed all over my dog, who was sleeping with in bed with me, and my stepmother saw the creampied spaniel and laughed at me. 

Interesting that you chose the word "creampied" instead of "bukkaked." 

Around the same age I had a wet dream and jizzed all over my dog, who was sleeping with in bed with me, and my stepmother saw the creampied spaniel and laughed at me. 
Kinky...
11 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

I’m 37 and cried when my mom left today after her 4 day visit. Mommas boy 100%. Damn woman was my tball coach. Grew up with an absent father.

I hope you have a supportive husband, hun.

1 hour ago, El Diablo said:

Dats not what they mean by "doggy style".

I can't remember if that was my first wet dream or not....Sorry that I messed up poor Bandit's hair. 

  • 4 weeks later...

my female first cousin's son: "so... lay the pipe to anyone lately"

me: "yeah, your mo- GODDAMNIT!"

Edited by elfenix

I used to be damn selective about where and when I shit.

I've now been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once.

I will now shit anywhere, at any time without a second thought.  And often without a first thought.
 

I bought a box of ammo this week that came in a Fort Knox of a box.  After about thirty minutes of not being able to open it, I decided to look on YouTube.  I wasn't going to pry it open with a screwdriver, the box wasn't going to beat me.  So I YouTube'd it, and sure enough there were several videos on how to open this box, with thousands of views.  They did exactly what I was trying to do, but it still didn't work for me.  So, in the end I pried it open with a screwdriver, like many other commenters said they had to do.  Not my most masculine moment.

Or take it to a nearby school and let some emo kid open it for you. 

On 6/21/2018 at 6:57 AM, PilotsError said:

I bought a box of ammo this week that came in a Fort Knox of a box.  After about thirty minutes of not being able to open it, I decided to look on YouTube.  I wasn't going to pry it open with a screwdriver, the box wasn't going to beat me.  So I YouTube'd it, and sure enough there were several videos on how to open this box, with thousands of views.  They did exactly what I was trying to do, but it still didn't work for me.  So, in the end I pried it open with a screwdriver, like many other commenters said they had to do.  Not my most masculine moment.

Lemme guess - Federal Premium pistol rounds in a clear box with a black base....?

On 5/24/2018 at 4:35 PM, Angry Gorilla said:

In college when I was on 6th St and had to take a shit I would walk over the the Omni

I'm not embarrassed about this but when on a road trip i always stop at a hotel to shit. Sometimes breakfast is still being served, but that is a bit more shameful.

On 5/2/2018 at 2:23 PM, Upgrayedd said:

I like A-1 steak sauce on leftover steak

 Like A-1 sauce but no where near my steak but on fries, hell yea

6 hours ago, Hook1997 said:

 Like A-1 sauce but no where near my steak but on fries, hell yea

Good in Bloody Mary mix too

Tobasco a-1 on saltines is some white trash Hors d'oeuvre (and it's allsome)

Ran over a chipmunk yesterday and damned near cried over it, sucks getting old and emotional. 

On 6/22/2018 at 5:10 PM, LW Goatman said:

I'm not embarrassed about this but when on a road trip i always stop at a hotel to shit. Sometimes breakfast is still being served, but that is a bit more shameful.

That's just good, heads-up thinking. 

I had a bad hemmoroid once.  I thought I had sharted myself at work but no such luck as it turned out to be the hemmy which had busted.  I had to wear a panty liner for a couple of days to keep the blood from soaking through my pants.  

1 hour ago, BurntEyes said:

Liking mayo on fries in only odd in the US. 

8b4268b993536093c463edd2621f7ee1.jpg

14 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

I like mayonnaise and ketchup on french fries.

Remove every ingredient from the mayonnaise other than the vinegar and I'm in. 

8 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

Liking mayo on fries in only odd in the US. 

Tried it for the first time in Europe. Never went back to just ketchup. 

29 minutes ago, High Plains Drifter said:

Tried it for the first time in Europe. Never went back to just ketchup. 

All in.  Mayo > Ketchup.

All in.  Mayo > Ketchup.

One time, in high school, we were hanging out at a buddy’s place, and our snack was strips of leftover thanksgiving turkey dipped directly into the jar of mayo. We killed both the turkey and the jar of mayo.

No ragrets.
  • Author
Ran over a chipmunk yesterday and damned near cried over it, sucks getting old and emotional. 

 

We were duck hunting in whatever shithole in Arkansas gets all the ducks and one guy scored a zero. We’re driving home that evening, tried and buzzed, and we’re giving him some shit. He’s driving on some country road and a fucking beaver waddles out in front of the car and, thunk, thunk. “Told you all I’d get one,” he says as we drive on.

  • Author
I had a bad hemmoroid once.  I thought I had sharted myself at work but no such luck as it turned out to be the hemmy which had busted.  I had to wear a panty liner for a couple of days to keep the blood from soaking through my pants.  


I had a similar experience but it turned out to be cancer.
4 hours ago, Hanrahan said:

I had a similar experience but it turned out to be cancer.

 

Dr. Drunkenstein? 

4 hours ago, Hanrahan said:

 

We were duck hunting in whatever shithole in Arkansas gets all the ducks and one guy scored a zero. We’re driving home that evening, tried and buzzed, and we’re giving him some shit. He’s driving on some country road and a fucking beaver waddles out in front of the car and, thunk, thunk. “Told you all I’d get one,” he says as we drive on.

That would be Stuttgart.

Dr. Drunkenstein? 

Blast from the past. What a strange thing that was. Never forget. Fake cancer sucks.

I sit to pee sometimes as a means to surf my phone and take a few minutes to relax.

Sunday night I was watching Tangled on the Disney Channel with my daughter.  An Amber Alert came up on my phone.  My daughter (age 7) asked what it was, and I told her as best I could what it was and what it meant.  She, quite understandably, got scared because she thought that maybe there was someone out there that was going to try and take her too.  She went so far as to ask if she could sleep in my bed that night because she didn't want anyone to take her from hers (probably a lot of playing Daddy's heartstrings there).

After putting her to bed, I came back down and decided to finish the movie.  At the part where Rapunzel was reunited with her parents, I saw the look on the King's (Dad's) face. I bawled like a baby for nearly 15 minutes.

On ‎5‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 7:45 AM, MaybeACoordinator said:

I can't remember if that was my first wet dream or not....Sorry that I messed up poor Bandit's hair. 

giphy.gif

17 hours ago, 'stache said:

I sit to pee sometimes as a means to surf my phone and take a few minutes to relax.

Same. No ragrets.

Also sometimes I'm just too fucking tired to stand. Like those 3am pees.  Or too drunk to do it without falling over.

17 hours ago, 'stache said:

I sit to pee sometimes as a means to surf my phone and take a few minutes to relax.

Guilty as charged.

On 6/27/2018 at 3:27 PM, 'stache said:

I sit to pee sometimes as a means to surf my phone and take a few minutes to relax.

How go you think I got that hemorrhoid? 

i've watched so much amateur allure and swallow salon that any time i see ring light reflections in the eyes of a person in a photo or video, i think i'm about to watch a bj vid. the tnt nba pre/post game show ads were freaking me out.

Edited by elfenix

I'm old white guy... and I want to go see Uncle Drew at the theater

Because of time zones I usually watch Astros games after the fact on the Mlb.tv app.  Sometimes when I’m fucked up I want to tweet the answer to the “Name that Astro” even though the game has been over for 16 hours by that time.

But what is really embarrassing is when I still get it wrong. 

Edited by Fudge Nuggets

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