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  • Cheeseweasel
    Cheeseweasel

  • I don't own a squatty potty, but I like having my feet raised.  So I always turn my trashcan on it's side when I shit.  Or in hotels I'll use random furniture.  Once I jammed an ottoman in the john so

  • Jack Straw
    Jack Straw

    i Febreze my dog when i'm too lazy to give her a bath

Posted Images

23 minutes ago, Underdog said:

Panties?

I don’t get out much.

1 hour ago, AM Wood said:

In the last 5 or so years I have found 2 huge game changers for me. 

 

1. The bidet - it’s obvious

 

2. Pissing sitting down at night. 

   A. No need to turn on the light

   B. Drains much better

   C. No need to wash hands because all you’ve done is pull down your panties and then pulled them back up.

 

it has resulted in a significant sleep increase every night. I recommend it.

As opposed to having to wash your hands from pissing standing up...because?  What happens in that scenario that's so filthy?  You still have to touch the flapper to flush no matter if you pissed standing, sitting, or straddling the bathroom walls Remo Williams style.  Unless you're a complete uncoordinated baffoon, you can open the toilet lid with your foot even in the dark, half-drunk.  Only thing you need to touch beyond that is your dick and unless you've been glory-holing Bucc-ees Style again, should be the cleanest part of your body.  

8 hours ago, Lobo said:

As opposed to having to wash your hands from pissing standing up...because?  What happens in that scenario that's so filthy?  You still have to touch the flapper to flush no matter if you pissed standing, sitting, or straddling the bathroom walls Remo Williams style.  Unless you're a complete uncoordinated baffoon, you can open the toilet lid with your foot even in the dark, half-drunk.  Only thing you need to touch beyond that is your dick and unless you've been glory-holing Bucc-ees Style again, should be the cleanest part of your body.  

So you piss in your toilet standing up, drunk and in the dark? Remind me never to grab after dinner mints from the same bowl when you’re pig pen ass is in the vicinity.

15 hours ago, AM Wood said:

In the last 5 or so years I have found 2 huge game changers for me. 

 

1. The bidet - it’s obvious

 

2. Pissing sitting down at night. 

   A. No need to turn on the light

   B. Drains much better

   C. No need to wash hands because all you’ve done is pull down your panties and then pulled them back up.

 

it has resulted in a significant sleep increase every night. I recommend it.

FWIW, I don't know how the fuck I can piss sitting down with the piss boner I wake up with.  It's a gotdamn trial as it is.

I like to stick my penis in vacuum cleaner using brush attachment and vibrator in bunghole at same time.  

I like fresh flowers in my house. Now, I’m not asking my buddies to buy me flowers for my birthday and shit, but when my wife buys fresh flowers for the house, I don’t complain. It also makes me an over flower buyer for her for almost any minor occasion. 

1 hour ago, Bender Bending Rodriguez said:

I like fresh flowers in my house. Now, I’m not asking my buddies to buy me flowers for my birthday and shit, but when my wife buys fresh flowers for the house, I don’t complain. It also makes me an over flower buyer for her for almost any minor occasion. 

Yer gay bro.

Edited by Thetexashammer

Regarding pissing (kind of)... my grandfather told me that there are two kinds of men.  One that washes his hands before he takes a piss and one that washes his hands after he takes a piss.  Whichever way you do it tells you a lot about yourself. I sit when at home so I don't wash my hands at all.  I think that means I'm a lazy fuck.

Edited by Jhawk

I'm honestly curious...when at home what's the difference between pissing sitting down and pissing sitting up?  Aside from physics, why does one necessitate washing hands and one doesn't?  Seriously.  Why is one filthy and one scott-free of germs?  

5 hours ago, Bender Bending Rodriguez said:

I like fresh flowers in my house. Now, I’m not asking my buddies to buy me flowers for my birthday and shit, but when my wife buys fresh flowers for the house, I don’t complain. It also makes me an over flower buyer for her for almost any minor occasion. 

2b0fe8716ae5ab31ff7498284c3c8506.jpg

FWIW, I don't know how the fuck I can piss sitting down with the piss boner I wake up with.  It's a gotdamn trial as it is.

You against pissing in the shower or something?

I listened to two Creed songs on the way home tonight and enjoyed them.

I listened to two Creed songs on the way home tonight and enjoyed them.

Goddamn. Go cleanse yourself with some Slayer right fucking now. Shit man.
26 minutes ago, Patricio Swayze said:


Goddamn. Go cleanse yourself with some Slayer right fucking now. Shit man.

giphy.gif

  • 2 weeks later...

I just watched over an hour of Heat on the Ovation channel commercials and all.

 I could watch on Netflix, my DVR, DVD.  Hell I even own it on VHS tape.(not sure if there is a player in the house)

 

The other night I was flipping channels and landed on The Bad News Bears. It was then that I experienced a renewed interest in Tatum O'Neal. I mean, she was about 13 at the time but then again, I was 8, so... technically that still makes her an older woman, right? I didn't touch myself or anything but I did enjoy looking at her.

The amount of time and money spent on our dog. 

I am convinced he eats and more is spent on him than me.  

Edited by Washpark

On 5/24/2018 at 4:13 PM, Reagan1k said:

Buddy of mine took a shit out the side of a duck blind but didn't account for the wader effect.  His dump got caught in the folds and when he pulled his waders up it started between his shoulder blades and ran down his back.  It was really cold so you couldn't smell much with frozen noses. 

We always kept our waders on until we got to a quick-stop for breakfast and coffee.  Once we warmed up in the truck it was unbearable and he figured out what happened.  We made him ride in the bed of the truck back to town.  

A buddy of mine recently confessed that he took a shit in a car wash in the middle of town not long ago. He drives a delivery truck all day and gets bouts of IBS. He had to go, pulled into a carwash stall and just squatted behind his truck door and let go. I didn't ask him if he put a few quarters in the clean up after himself or not. I was too busy laughing. He says he shits on roadsides on a pretty regular basis.

1 hour ago, Lone Star Horn said:

^^^^ that's ok, your mom has been banged by all of us.

Hell, my mom banged her. 

16 hours ago, DougO said:

A buddy of mine recently confessed that he took a shit in a car wash in the middle of town not long ago. He drives a delivery truck all day and gets bouts of IBS. He had to go, pulled into a carwash stall and just squatted behind his truck door and let go. I didn't ask him if he put a few quarters in the clean up after himself or not. I was too busy laughing. He says he shits on roadsides on a pretty regular basis.

Management material!

 

On 8/6/2018 at 7:59 AM, Cheeseweasel said:

If we were supposed to piss standing up at home, they would have installed urinals. 

I would have installed a urinal at my house long ago, except that I always piss outside or in the shower. I even go outside and piss off the porch when I wake up at night.

 

 

19 hours ago, Incredulity said:

I just watched over an hour of Heat on the Ovation channel commercials and all.

 I could watch on Netflix, my DVR, DVD.  Hell I even own it on VHS tape.(not sure if there is a player in the house)

 

 

Why are you embarrassed to admit this?

Because I sat through commercials when I have multiple options to watch commercial free.

Second, the Ovation channel is also obviously pursuing a young female demographic based on the commercials.

I’m not going to go back and find the post to quote it, but whoever posted the geoguessr thing, thanks a lot for sending me down that wormhole.  

  • 2 weeks later...

I smelled a distinctly unpleasant artificial fragrance while sitting in my office this morning. I can't even really describe it, other than cloying and artificial and terrible. Like someone sprayed Pine-Sol on a Yankee Candle and then rolled the resulting mess in Axe taint spray or something.

I have a really acute sense of smell, and it's a fucking curse. I'd rather run the risk of not noticing that my house is on fire than be subjected to the odors I have to smell on a daily basis. I can tell when a woman has her period, for Christ's sake. 

Anyway, at first I just assumed that it was some shitty perfume that one of the secretaries was wearing and that the stench must have wafted through my door after she walked by, so I paid it no mind. 

An hour or two goes by, and the smell starts getting a little more overpowering.  A bit more time goes by, and I'm starting to get a mild headache. 

Finally, it gets so annoying that I went out and asked my admin if she smelled anything. Nope. Neither did the guy in the adjacent office, and the lady on the other side of me is out on maternity leave. 

I sit and I stew for a while, and finally I get up and start walking around the office, hoping to suss out the culprit like I'm Pepe Le Pew following a scent trail, except without the creepy skunk boner. 

Nothing doing. I can't isolate it to any particular area. Coworkers helpfully offer that perhaps I'm finally stroking out. 

I sit back at my desk and prepare to write a Strongly Worded Note to the office cleaning staff, asking them to please kindly refrain from using whatever new product they introduced to their routine last night. 

And that's when it hit me.

I opened up a new tube of deodorant this morning, and while I thought it was my familiar flavor, I have only been using this current variety for short time (something that allegedly won't stain your clothes...), and I now realize that my wife probably bought me some other scent that has the same general packaging as my prior tube. 

So once I get home tonight, I have to compare the old tube in the garbage with the new tube in my closet, but I already know what I'm going to discover... 

Edited by Prepuce of Doom

49 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I smelled a distinctly unpleasant artificial fragrance while sitting in my office this morning. I can't even really describe it, other than cloying and artificial and terrible. Like someone sprayed Pine-Sol on a Yankee Candle and then rolled the resulting mess in Axe taint spray or something.

I have a really acute sense of smell, and it's a fucking curse. I'd rather run the risk of not noticing that my house is on fire than be subjected to the odors I have to smell on a daily basis. I can tell when a woman has her period, for Christ's sake. 

Anyway, at first I just assumed that it was some shitty perfume that one of the secretaries was wearing and that the stench must have wafted through my door after she walked by, so I paid it no mind. 

An hour or two goes by, and the smell starts getting a little more overpowering.  A bit more time goes by, and I'm starting to get a mild headache. 

Finally, it gets so annoying that I went out and asked my admin if she smelled anything. Nope. Neither did the guy in the adjacent office, and the lady on the other side of me is out on maternity leave. 

I sit and I stew for a while, and finally I get up and start walking around the office, hoping to suss out the culprit like I'm Pepe Le Pew following a scent trail, except without the creepy skunk boner. 

Nothing doing. I can't isolate it to any particular area. Coworkers helpfully offer that perhaps I'm finally stroking out. 

I sit back at my desk and prepare to write a Strongly Worded Note to the office cleaning staff, asking them to please kindly refrain from using whatever new product they introduced to their routine last night. 

And that's when it hit me.

I opened up a new tube of deodorant this morning, and while I thought it was my familiar flavor, I have only been using this current variety for short time (something that allegedly won't stain your clothes...), and I now realize that my wife probably bought me some other scent that has the same general packaging as my prior tube. 

So once I get home tonight, I have to compare the old tube in the garbage with the new tube in my closet, but I already know what I'm going to discover... 

You’re a delicate little flower. 

I don't like to eat with a big spoon.  I prefer the smaller one, because it makes it seem like I'm getting to eat more.

13 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

I don't like to eat with a big spoon.  I prefer the smaller one, because it makes it seem like I'm getting to eat more.

Same with me, I like the salad fork instead of the dinner fork as well.

1 hour ago, After irth said:

You’re a delicate little flower. 

And you smell like you've been masturbating out of loneliness. 

52 minutes ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

And you smell like you've been masturbating out of loneliness. 

as opposed to ...

I listened to two Creed songs on the way home tonight and enjoyed them.
Fuck yes. Creed and their 4 famous songs rule
7 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

I smelled a distinctly unpleasant artificial fragrance while sitting in my office this morning. I can't even really describe it, other than cloying and artificial and terrible. Like someone sprayed Pine-Sol on a Yankee Candle and then rolled the resulting mess in Axe taint spray or something.

I have a really acute sense of smell, and it's a fucking curse. I'd rather run the risk of not noticing that my house is on fire than be subjected to the odors I have to smell on a daily basis. I can tell when a woman has her period, for Christ's sake. 

Anyway, at first I just assumed that it was some shitty perfume that one of the secretaries was wearing and that the stench must have wafted through my door after she walked by, so I paid it no mind. 

An hour or two goes by, and the smell starts getting a little more overpowering.  A bit more time goes by, and I'm starting to get a mild headache. 

Finally, it gets so annoying that I went out and asked my admin if she smelled anything. Nope. Neither did the guy in the adjacent office, and the lady on the other side of me is out on maternity leave. 

I sit and I stew for a while, and finally I get up and start walking around the office, hoping to suss out the culprit like I'm Pepe Le Pew following a scent trail, except without the creepy skunk boner. 

Nothing doing. I can't isolate it to any particular area. Coworkers helpfully offer that perhaps I'm finally stroking out. 

I sit back at my desk and prepare to write a Strongly Worded Note to the office cleaning staff, asking them to please kindly refrain from using whatever new product they introduced to their routine last night. 

And that's when it hit me.

I opened up a new tube of deodorant this morning, and while I thought it was my familiar flavor, I have only been using this current variety for short time (something that allegedly won't stain your clothes...), and I now realize that my wife probably bought me some other scent that has the same general packaging as my prior tube. 

So once I get home tonight, I have to compare the old tube in the garbage with the new tube in my closet, but I already know what I'm going to discover... 

If your sense of smell is so sensitive, why did it take you so long to smell the change in your own deodorant?

11 hours ago, Prepuce of Doom said:

... and I now realize that my wife probably bought me some other scent that has the same general packaging as my prior tube. 

So once I get home tonight, I have to compare the old tube in the garbage with the new tube in my closet, but I already know what I'm going to discover... 

That your wife's boyfriend uses a different deodorant than you when he is done, and he left it in your bathroom yesterday.

6 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

If your sense of smell is so sensitive, why did it take you so long to smell the change in your own deodorant?

You have cleverly deduced the point to the story that I posted to the "things I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit" thread. 

You see, I noticed the smell quite early in the day, but having not realized that I had inadvertently switched deodorants, I overlooked the source of the odor and spent part of my day trying to find different explanations, even though the correct explanation was right under my nose the whole time! 

I think the Texas Fight thread on the football board is incredibly dorky. 

26 minutes ago, Neonmoon said:

I think the Texas Fight thread on the football board is incredibly dorky. 

you too? I thought it was cool back in 2009

Edited by MNLonghornFUKM

On 8/5/2018 at 8:39 PM, Lobo said:

As opposed to having to wash your hands from pissing standing up...because?  What happens in that scenario that's so filthy?  You still have to touch the flapper to flush no matter if you pissed standing, sitting, or straddling the bathroom walls Remo Williams style.  Unless you're a complete uncoordinated baffoon, you can open the toilet lid with your foot even in the dark, half-drunk.  Only thing you need to touch beyond that is your dick and unless you've been glory-holing Bucc-ees Style again, should be the cleanest part of your body.  

If it’s yellow, let it mellow.  If it’s brown, flush it down!

11 hours ago, qwertyu1234 said:

I still buy CD's. 

Same here. Up to 3,000 in my collection. Not embarrassed at all about it. 

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